23 NOV 2017

The only person who reads this blog, my friend Jorge, will turn away and slam the door behind him because I’m no longer allowed to even text anything Call-Me-By-Your-Name-related, and I am petrified of losing my only reader but I can’t think, let along write, about anyone else – it’s Elio and Oliver, Oliver and Elio, Armie Hammer and Timotheé Chalamet. And while Timotheé is pissing me off by working with Woody creep-ass Allen on what’s going to be yet another countless bore of a film, Armie is soaring. I will tweak this: Armie is not f-cking with racism and is challenging toxic masculinity – the two wings with which he’s soaring.

Hammer’s physical beauty is not of intense interest to me, if I was to fantasise about either one it’d be Chalamet (I am yet to fantasise about him, I’m looking forward). Good looks in their more traditional perception have rarely played a role in my choice of men, normally I would just go for the biggest wanker in the room and give it my all. Today’s very turbulent political and equality-challenging times though, have left no room for assholes, which is why, as rarely as it happens in a public arena and never in (my) actual life, I am turned on by good, feminist boys standing up for racial equality. (Girls, too.) “Adjust your hood so you can see better” is the explosive reply Armie Hammer has thrown at a Trump supporter. Almost makes me want to be the gross racist exotically named just so I could be the one on the receiving end of Armie’s impeccable clap-back. You know, equality of any kind, in any sphere of life in the 21st century, should well be the baseline, yet it is so far off baseline that you want to take your time to revel in any noticeable step people make towards it. I know it was his CMBYN audiobook reading that had initially captured my heart, and sleep, but this tweet has taken my soul, too. I am now heartless and soulless – and this time not because of the devil, but, satisfyingly, because of Armie Hammer’s world view in which a woman should have been President.

If that wasn’t enough (it isn’t), in this Vulture interview, he simply says/admits: “Honestly… I think I had just fallen in love with Luca” (the film’s director). Apparently, the process of filming had become so emotionally intense that Hammer found it too challenging to accept its upcoming fine. He became obsessed with it and sh-t hit the fan (omg I didn’t think this summer in Italy could get any more enticing, until it just did). How many straight men confess to feelings deeper than friendship for another man and not worry how that would come across? Or know exactly how it would come across and be fine with saying it anyway? I have not once heard a man appreciate another man in an honest, tender way. Men are tough, remember? They are reserved and broody and mysterious. Plus, #nohomo. To hear Armie challenge alllllll this social norms bullsh-t with one nonchalant sentence is like to hear a lullaby sung in a honeyed voice. This may be just the tiniest shake-up to the rigid system but it is the hugest hope for me.

A man in touch with his feelings is the new vodka shots.

PS. Hammer has Russian roots on his father’s side, which is why he’s got his surname tattooed in Russian, which of course you know what it’s doing to my head. Should he be told that the Ms do not look Cyrillic and if he should could I please, please be the one to tell him?

Armie Hammer's " Хаммер"  tattoo (photo from

Armie Hammer's "Хаммер" tattoo (photo from