6 Dec 2017

You know how underachievers set goals that are too small? This is not backed up by any heavy research because it sounds like common sense and I am going with it, what I was not too lazy to research is the basics of blogging. Six months is what some people “give themselves” to see where, if anywhere, a writing path will take them. Um, I aimed for a month? Not to see where it takes me, per se, but to gauge if I can endure it, stick it out, give a proper chance to my own discipline and craft development. Proper chance my ass, according to the research! New target then: six bloody months of everyday writing and daily posting. THEN I can make out more clearly if I run out of sh-t to say and/or if the quality of posts improves.

Quickly, while I’m at it, a pat on the back for lasting the five weeks, measly as it is. Next!

While it’s definitely a more organised affair, the sitting down to write I mean, I am still by a long shot not distraction-proof – I will sit for hours and stare into space, laptop at hand for added impact. Annoying, if I was to put it mildly. The punishment works itself out though – around the house there’s f-ckload of work to do and I have that much less time to do it due to my “writing” priorities. Then not only is the house a mess and the ironing is stubbornly not doing itself (seriously, my OCD!) but also no time is left for either reading or Netflix, which makes me vulnerable to all the side effects of going cold turkey. On the plus side, I have surpassed my own lazy self by not getting off that chair until a post is done and done even if that cuts in on the rest of my activities. Damn daydreaming. That’s quite cool though, right? I might not be capable of fully locking in, but lock in enough to get a post done. I think that is quite cool anyway.

As for the posts themselves… well… I’ve read better. There’s so much I feel unhappy about, quality-wise, that at this point I have to force myself to stop fretting and let each on go as they get uploaded. “I could have said this better”, “this doesn’t read well”, “this sounds unclear but basic at the same time and how is that possible?” – every night I have to use a switch in my head so these voices would f-ck off and let me sleep. I would with pleasure and grit sit and edit every single piece that’s already up on the website and out der in the universe rather than go forward and write new material. I would love to dance around every word already typed and cut it, replace it, rethink it, reshape it. Writing is spontaneous – I am not. This disconnect then, creates friction. I hate friction with a passion. That said, I am always “fricitioned” by something, I guess I would rather it be writing-related, then there can be hope for productivity. Yes?

So even though I move on on the daily, editing is the biggest challenge. The writing itself, once you’ve cufflinked yourself to the laptop, is breezy, it is making sure that all this gibberish makes sense to those who read it that is the challenge. Where to start? Which part is irrelevant even though it’s the part you are too emotionally attached to and are reluctant to let go off but, for the readers’ sake you must? Most importantly, where to stop? I am not a person who, for the longest time, knew where to stop. It is only because my daughter regularly pisses me off with her excess and drama that I have had to discover how to control my own so I could teach her how to control hers. Not that raising a child helps me in a secret way to be a better writer, it’s not my implication – the original point I was making was that a writer knows where to put the full stop. Because I rarely do, editing is a b-tch. What kind of person is ok with imperfections anyway?